


staying afloat

by lovlies



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel 616, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst and Feels, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Marvel Universe, Post-Serum Steve Rogers, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Steve Rogers Has PTSD, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, Steve Rogers and the 21st Century, Steve Rogers/Bucky Barnes - Freeform, bucky dies and steve doesn’t know what to do with himself
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-08
Updated: 2020-05-08
Packaged: 2021-03-03 02:33:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,347
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24067411
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovlies/pseuds/lovlies
Summary: in which bucky dies and steve calls his number everyday just to hear his voice after it goes to voicemail.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers, Steve Rogers & Natasha Romanov
Comments: 15
Kudos: 58





	staying afloat

**Author's Note:**

> this idea was given to me by a friend of mine and i had to write it. thank you for taking the time to read this, i put a lot of love into this <3 
> 
> note to better understand the story: steve and bucky are born in the 21st century! they’re both S.H.I.E.L.D agents still, just not the traditional plot we know.

It’s funny, how lost Steve is. 

Steve Rogers. Captain America— S.H.I.E.L.D’s best agent. Decorated with medals— Valor, Bravery, Human Civilian Service. He’s Steve Rogers. 

At least— he was. He was steve Rogers all up until his whole entire world crashed and burned. 

It had been a simple mission. An extraction of hostages, in Indonesia. Bucky wasn’t even supposed to be there. He’d gone because Steve asked him to. Steve thought they could have used Bucky’s skill against the hostiles.

They came back with an empty casket. 

\- 

It took Steve about four months to even visit Buckys grave, in D.C. He knew that the casket in the ground had nothing in it, but it had put him at peace with it. As peaceful as he could be. 

They had kept their relationship under wraps. Bucky didn’t want them to be targeted for loving each other. Only their closest friends like Sam, Nat, Tony and a few others knew. Steve had promised Bucky they’d marry before they retired S.H.I.E.L.D. 

Steve never broke his promises. 

\- 

It was almost a year after Bucky was gone that Steve came across Bucky’s contact in his phone. 

He was laying in his bed, around seven in the morning— he stopped doing runs with Sam a few months ago— texting Nat about her coming over for dinner when his thumb slipped and pressed on the contact.  
The last message in the thread had been from Bucky: 

‘I love you’

Steve had to put his phone down, letting it fall out of his hand. He was sitting up quickly, not being able to breathe. It was such a simple text— so Bucky and honest that he couldn’t do anything but let out a strangled breath, tears blurring his vision. 

Steve had many things of Bucky's— his dog tags, science books, clothes, pictures, a few telescopes he invested in. He always flipped through all the Stark Industries science section in their catalogues just to see Bucky's scrawled notes and comments in the margin.  
Yet this one text seemed so personal, knowing that it was meant for Steve, and Steve only. A reminder that Bucky loved Steve like Steve loves him.

It took him a full five minutes to collect himself, and breathe normally. Steve doesn't really cry often, and it’s usually about Buck. The first time he cried— really cried— was in front of Natasha, just after the ceremony and memorial for Bucky. She’d held him while he cried for the loss of a love no one knew about.  
Presently, Steve was wiping his eyes, blindly grabbing for his phone. It was still on, idling in him and Buckys forgotten text convo. The blond didn’t dare scroll up to see other messages. He was content with this one crumb of Bucky’s lost presence. 

It was Natasha’s message, appearing as a banner at the top of his screen that pulled him out of his thoughts. He quickly realized how hard his hands were shaking, and how many little droplets lay rainbowed across the screen. 

The blond took in another heavy breath, bringing the heel of his hand to the phone to wipe the tears away. Then, he clicked on the notification waiting for him at the top of the screen, all but forgetting about the moment before. 

-

After eating breakfast at his lonely kitchen island, Steve went about his day to day activity. 

It was the same thing everyday when he didn’t have work— which he barely went to since Bucky had died. He’d visit Sam at the VA, go grocery shopping, eat lunch with Peggy, and on Saturdays he visited Bucky. 

But today was the first Saturday that when Steve arrived at the flower shop to buy new flowers for his lost lovers grave, that the blond found that he couldn’t go. 

It wasn’t because he the cemetery was closed, or he had other plans. He just didn’t think he could bear going. Not after what had happened earlier— when he was reminded that Bucky was real. Not just a radical piece of Steve’s imagination. 

So the Captain left the flower shop, not being able to feel his face or toes, and drove home with glossy eyes and a pit of guilt churning in his stomach. 

-

Steve cancelled his dinner with Nat. And the one after that. 

Instead, he laid in his bed all night, looking through the books Bucky had owned. He traced his fingers over the hand writing, the little rips accidentally put there by Buck. Maybe he was being far too dramatic, and maybe he should have moved on a long time ago. But Steve doesn’t think he could ever move on from Bucky. 

He’d turned off his phone an hour or so ago, and it only took him that time to go through all of Bucky’s catalogs and books. 

Once the last book had been closed, Steve turned onto his side, bringing his knees as close to his chest as possible, staring at the little burst of light from the hallway that came through the cracked door. 

He knew Bucky wouldn’t want him like this. So lost, and delicate. Something like a message, a reminder, could set him off. Bucky wouldn’t want him to stop living life because he knew Steve was needed beyond Bucky. Steve wasn’t done yet. 

So Steve had kept going, he’d kept running. For Bucky, for Nat, and Sam and Wanda and Tony and Pegs. But it was easy for him to fall into the old habits he harbored in the months after Bucky had fallen. He kept helping the world, going on missions, visiting the VA. He did speeches and went to charity funds. 

Yet he could never shake the feeling of Bucky. His existence. The warm smile, steel blue eyes. It had taken Steve so— too — long to realize he loved Bucky. They had such limited time together. Steve blamed himself for it. 

Digressing, Steve rolled onto his back. The Sun, previously setting now totally gone, causing the room to be completely dark. Steve realized how long he’d been laying in bed. He didn’t move to get up. 

Instead, he groped the bed for his phone, finding it beneath his pillow. Like Nat had taught him, he pressed the side power button until the phones icon appeared. He watched his lock screen— a photo of him and Sam— appear. 

When he unlocked his phone, it opened right to Buckys contact again. 

Steve sucked in a breath, staring at the message he’d discovered earlier that morning. The emotion it brought on was still prevalent, and he tried to remember the last time he went on the thread to make him open up to this straight away. 

Almost against his own will, Steve started scrolling up. It was short conversations, here and there. They had never really used this thread often. Photos of meals, pets, landscapes were often exchanged between the two. Silent tears rolled down his face heavier and heavier the more he scrolled. 

He got to a point in time where the only consistent messages were things like Call me back or Call me when you can <3 

It got Steve to thinking about their calls. If separated, they’d call for hours when they could. Steve remembered Bucky’s voice more than he remembered his own. He missed the brunettes voice, so much. 

He wondered what life would have been like, if Bucky wouldn’t have died on that mission. How many calls they would have had. Photo’s shared, I love you texts exchanged. It hurt Steves heart more than anything, to think about the what if’s. 

He would give anything to hear Bucky’s voice again. 

Without thinking, Steve tapped on the mini phone icon, which immediately started ringing a phone that didn’t exist. 

Steve nearly dropped his phone, stomach dropping as he realized what he’d done. It took him exactly 12 seconds of wide-eyed staring at the screen to realize that the screen was no longer displaying the “ringing” information. It was counting the seconds of a call. 

Wildly, under sort of illusion that it was Bucky on the other side of the line, Steve all but slammed the phone to his ear. It wasn’t what he was expecting. 

“... I can’t take your call right now, sorry.” It was Bucky’s voice. “You can definitely call me back if you want, but you don’t have to. Unless you’re Steve. But I always have this phone number and I’m always around, so I promise I’ll get back to you.” Steve had to put a hand over his mouth to stop the sobs from leaving his body. “I’m rambling— leave a voicemail if you need to. Bye.” 

He barely heard the beep that sounded after the message ended, he barely registered the fact that he was being recorded. His whole body was shaking. God— it had been so long. So long since he heard that voice. Since he’d heard that voice say his name. Steve couldn’t breathe, tears were running down his temples, onto the bed. His breath was coming out in shaky, wheezed sighs against his hand. 

He didn’t want it to hit him this hard. He thought he’d be more prepared for something like this. It had been almost a year since Bucky died. 

The small chime in his ear is what broke him out of his reverie. He almost flinched at the unexpected sound, and sucked in a breath. The male pulled the phone away from his ear, seeing the screen signaling that the call had ended. 

In the next few hours, Steve couldn’t count how many times he listened to Bucky’s recording. He would just hang up as soon as the auto-mated message ended and recall. It was unhealthy and selfish, Steve knew, but he couldn’t help it. It was so nice to hear his voice again. 

After the fifth or so call Steve started leaving voicemails. 

-

“Hey Buck.” 

It was hesitant, Steve knowing that no one would ever listen to this. But imagining that Bucky would listen and call him back comforted him. It was a good day dream. 

“I- God I miss you so much, Buck.” Once he started talking, it all came out. “I’m so- I’m so sorry. I’m sorry. You weren’t supposed to be there. You we’re there for me. You paid. I’m so sorry—“ 

He had to stop talking before he started crying hard again, so he pulled the phone from his ear and hit “end.” The blond just swallowed hard, eyes opening to stare at the ceiling. The radio silence on the other end was as if Bucky was listening in appreciative silence. He kept talking, for whatever reason, when he called the ownerless contact after that. 

-

“You’re in Arlington. That’s where they put you. I wanted you to go to Brooklyn, where your parents are buried, but there they couldn’t give you the ceremony and honor you deserved. 

“God that sounded wrong. You didn’t deserve death, Bucky. You didn’t deserve any of what you had to go through. I’m so sorry. I’m sorry.” 

-

“Sam misses you too. I think he tries to hide it for the sake of me but he wears your watch still.

“If we had just gotten a little more time, Buck, I would have married you. I swear.” 

-

“Remember when we went to Coney Island, just the two of us? God— that must have been two, three years ago. You were so happy to be in New York again, after that mission we had in Wales.

“I miss your smile. So much.” 

-

Steve must have fallen asleep at one point during his binge, because he woke up with dry eyes and a dead phone the next morning. 

It was a sunny Sunday, and after breakfast, when Steve had charged his phone enough he saw that Nat had called him a few times earlier this morning. After brushing his teeth, he called her back. 

“Hey,” the redhead greeted when she picked up after three rings. “Did you sleep late?” 

“Sorta, my phone was out of juice when I woke up.” He said, leaning against the bathroom vanity, turning away from his reflection. “What’s up?” 

“Just checking in.”  
“Oh, I see.” 

There was a beat of silence, then they both spoke at once. 

“I’m sorry about last night.”  
“Are you okay?” 

Steve couldn’t help but let out a chuckle. They did that a lot— speaking in unison. Nat was the one to speak first after that, like it usually was. 

“Don’t worry about it.” she said. Steve could hear the sigh in her voice. “Are you? Okay?” 

Steve kept himself from sighing, thinking about last night, all the secrets he’d spilled to no one, the tears shed over Bucky’s goddamned voice. 

“I will be.” He answered after so long that he almost forgot he was on call. 

“You keep saying that.” Nat said, but didn’t elaborate. She moved on to another subject, much to Steve’s gratitude. 

The two friends talked for about an hour before Nat had to go, saying that she had a date to get ready for. Steve bid her goodbye, and Nat gave a small “oh, Steve.” 

“You’ll be okay.” 

-

Steve’s daily schedule changed in the next week. He now left a slot open to call Bucky, just to hear his voice. It took him a few days to not break down into tears at the sound of him, but even after that his chest tightened painfully every time. 

He started visiting Bucky’s more on the weekdays, with flowers everytime. Sam usually offered to go with him, but Steve liked to sit with the grave in peace. He knew Sam would visit on his own if he wanted to. 

The messages he’d leave the abandoned number were always different. The routine almost became like a diary for him. He’d tell the voice machine memories, thoughts. He apologized a lot. But it was an odd comfort for the blond. He felt Bucky’s presence during those sessions. 

He wanted to think it was helping him get better. 

-

Nat ended up going on multiple dates with someone who’s name Steve couldn’t remember. She’d call every morning afterwards, smiles in her voice. She asked the same question every morning. 

“When do you think you could get back out there?” She would say. Steve could tell it was always tentative. 

“I don’t know.” Steve would always answer with, and they’d leave it at that. 

-

Sam also started a new chapter. He’d moved into a bigger house closer to the VA, and was given a higher up position in his work. He still wore his best friends watch, but he stopped talking about him as much. 

It made Steve scared. Scared that people were forgetting Bucky. It was a crazy thought, but Steve didn’t like feeling so lonely and pathetic when he thought about it. 

He remembers after Pietro, Wandas twin died. It had been hard on everyone, but Steve could always catch the way Wanda would laugh at a joke, turn, but realize there was no one to reminisce in the way only a twin could. He knows Wanda lives with that grief everyday, four years later. But she’d moved on— surely to Vis, and to her new job and home in Scotland. 

It made Steve wonder if he’d ever move on. Not find someone else, for sure, but just— living again. Being a human being. 

He’d brought it up to Sam once at the VA. 

“Well, what makes you happy?” He’d asked. 

Steve had to think hard. Of course Sam, and Nat and Peggy and all his friends made him happy. Doing things for the country did, but that’s not what Sam asked. 

“I don’t know.” Steve had answered truthfully. 

-

“Hey, Buck.” 

It was Friday, and Steve was in bed. Early March, and the windows were still slightly frosty. But the timid grass peeking through the Virgina snow reminded him of spring. 

“Today was a long day.” the blond continued. “I went out with Peggy. We had a lot to talk about. You, us. Our future, mine. I told her that I wanted to figure it out on my own. She was okay with that.

“I wish you could have figured it out with me. 

I miss you so much, Bucky. I was thinking about it earlier— a fall wedding would have been nice. You always looked good in red. Apple cider at the reception, Morgan as our flower girl. 

God, it would have beautiful.” 

-

Two weeks later, Peggy asked Steve the same question Sam had asked him. 

“What makes you happy, Steve?” And Steve felt the want to answer as honestly as he could. 

“Bucky,” he said, like it pained him. “I miss him, Pegs.” 

“I know you do.”  
“What am I supposed to do? I don’t want to forget him.”  
“You won’t.” 

Steve looked up at her. They were seated in the small sand which shop they met at everyday for lunch. There was a large window in front of them, bringing in the sun to shine on them. 

“You think so?” Steve asked, wanting to believe it, so badly. 

Peggy smiled, and reached out to squeeze his hand comfortingly. 

“I know so.” 

-

Steve didn’t forget Bucky, no. 

He didn’t move on either. 

But in the coming months, he grew. 

He grew past cancelling plans and he grew past avoiding pictures of Bucky. He would, at times, leave a message even though no one would hear. Almost everyday he was listening to Buckys voice, but now he’s videos of Bucky’s laugh, his jokes and smiles. He learned to remember. To live in the presence of Bucky being gone. 

He wore Bucky’s dog tags, and visited his grave once week. He went to the VA to talk to veterans and started being more active in S.H.I.E.L.D again. Steve started a new pattern, a new life. One with Bucky still in it. 

-

“Hey, Buck.” 

A year and a half after Bucky had died, Steve was still calling to hear his voice. It would be odd if he didn’t. 

“Fury called me in today, and he asked me to go in deep conditions for a job. 

Remember Hawaii? How we spent most are days on the beach— working. Even though it was deep conditions it was nice being there with you.” 

The blond sighed. He was currently sitting up against his kitchen counter. Nat was in the other room with Sam, starting a movie

“ I was bad, Buck. When you- when you died. I wouldn’t get out of bed. I knew you’d be mad at me for it, but I couldn’t find a reason to get up. 

But— but then I remembered you. You and your laugh, your jokes. How you would chew your fingernails when you were nervous. I found your voice. 

You helped me, funnily enough.” Steve laughed despite himself. “you helped me dig up from the grief I got from you. You, Buck, and your overwhelming presence.” 

“I was so scared I’d forget you. Your face, your habits and tidbits. But then I remembered how unforgettable you are. How amazing and kind and brave you are, Bucky. 

I became better because of it. Because of you and what you’d want me to be.” 

He went quiet for a bit. He could hear Sam and Nat laughing in the other room, waiting for their third person to appear. 

“I think I’m ready to grow. To do what you’d want me to do. 

“That is, what you’d what me to do, right?” It was a rhetorical question, but steve could imagine a soft “yeah, punk.” 

“So I’ll grow. For you. I know I said that I won’t get over you, and I can’t. I know. But I can grow from you. I know you’re here with me. It keeps me going.” 

He knew he had to get going. Nat would come wandering in soon. 

“I love you so much, Bucky. I miss you. But I can’t disappoint you. So I’ll grow. 

For you.” 

-

**Author's Note:**

> come and let me know what you think on my twitter!  
> @buckiessteve


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